Visualization/Fantasy

Visualization can be a way of relaxing. Close your eyes while you're being pleasured and imagine you're somewhere else—on a Tahiti beach listening to the regular, smooth breaking of the waves, warming in the South Pacific sun.

 In a suite in a Swiss ski lodge on a fur rug before a crackling fire. In Paris between satin sheets in an elegant hotel. Choose someplace that makes you feel good and makes you feel peaceful and go there.

Sexual fantasy

Sexual fantasy involves a variety of visualization techniques. Fantasy can chase resistances away. You imagine a desirable sexual experience with your partner or with someone else, or you recall a pleasurable sexual experience you've had in the past. Some people fantasize more easily than others. Everyone can learn.

If you think you have difficulty fantasizing, try this exercise: start by closing your eyes and seeing yourself as you are right now, at this very moment, with your eyes closed, doing just what you are doing. Then experience your breathing. Notice your lungs filling and emptying and the sensation of your breath passing in and out of your nose.

Now, eyes closed, picture the objects in the room around you. Can you see them almost as if you had your eyes open? Picture yourself in the room among these objects. What are you wearing? Visualize your clothes.

Now change the scene. Visualize yourself on a soft, sandy beach, lying on powder-white sand in warm sun. Then picture someone with you on the beach.

Now switch to a sexual fantasy. Recall in detail a desirable sexual experience with your partner or with someone

else. Or imagine a sexual experience that you would like to have at some future time. These memories and experiences may appear to you as snapshots, as movies, as fragmented and impressionistic images. They may involve feelings or words more than visual images.

Keep the fantasy in mind and build on it by adding new details. You can change the setting or add new experiences to real experiences you remember.

Knowing what other people fantasize about can help you learn to fantasize. Everyone has sexual fantasies some of the time. Here are common fantasies, listed in the order of their popularity:

  • Sex with your regular partner. Pleasures you've enjoyed together in the past. Pleasures you'd like to enjoy but can't because you or your partner finds them unacceptable. Real experiences with imaginary embellishments. Feel free to invent any activities you think you would enjoy with your partner, however unlikely. They're your private fantasies and yours alone.

  • This may involve long-lasting sex which goes on for a long time - especially if you have  a real  life problem with premature ejaculation! Places like this - www.the-relationship-works.com/program.html can be very helpful.
  • Sex variation with other opposite-sex partners. Someone you have met or known. Screen stars, sports heroes and heroines, your high school prom king or queen. Since this is fantasy, not reality, it's safe to pick anyone you want. Imagine where you are, what you're doing, what you say to each other. Visualize how your imagined partner looks and how touching and caressing feels. Decide what you would like to do. Mentally write an entire shared scene. You may be more comfortable with this fantasy if you also fantasize that your regular partner is having sex with someone else.

  • A woman may imagine two men loving her physically at the same time, or a man and a woman. One may be a stranger and the other her regular partner.

  • Rape. Fantasies of being taken sexually against your will. Women particularly enjoy this fantasy. It's perfectly acceptable. It has nothing to do with real rape, which is an ugly, violent act of criminal assault. Imagine being kidnapped, or someone breaking into your house. A stranger or someone you know takes you forcefully. Perhaps your regular partner is made to watch. You resist at first, then give in. You may be tied up and totally helpless but become sexually aroused along the way.
  • Sex with same-sex partners. Most people fantasize occasionally about having sex with people of their own gender, although many strongly resist acknowledging these thoughts. If you aren't too threatened to explore this fantasy, picture in detail whom you would enjoy having sex with, what you would do, and where you would do it. Same-sex fantasies aren't an indication of homosexuality, conscious or unconscious. They're simply exercises in human imagination, a normal part of life.
  • Fantasies left over from childhood. Vivid memories of fantasies and experiences may return to you from childhood if you let them. Our first sexual experiences and feelings are often overwhelmingly powerful; you can tap some of that residual emotion by recalling them. They may be only fragmentary: a girl's hair brushing a boy's face; a glimpse of someone naked. You may have thought of playing doctor with another child, or of having sex with an adult. Recall those fantasies now.

Fantasies have great value in sex. They're private, so they affect no one else and depend on no one else, and they actually change body chemistry. They stimulate arousal;

they can give you a head start on pleasure with your partner. The image comes before the reality and begins preparing the body for that reality.

If you find a fantasy arousing, continue that fantasy. If you find a fantasy neutral or negative, switch to another fantasy until you discover one that gives you pleasure.

Start with a fantasy that feels safe. Mentally write the scene. What time is it? Where are you? What does your partner (or partners) look like? What do both of you (or all of you) do? Begin dressed and enjoy undressing—even fantasies deserve time for foreplay! Don't rush your fantasy. Extending it will add pleasure and benefit arousal.

If you are fantasizing about sex with someone other than your regular partner, choose someone with whom you feel comfortable. If the fantasy works, keep it going. If it doesn't work, change it.

Use fantasy in sexual situations. First fantasize alone while you self-stimulate. Then add fantasy while you're with your partner making love.

Some people fear they will act out their fantasies. Fantasies are almost always safe. Very few people ever act out fantasies they believe to be taboo.

Some people fear that fantasizing is dishonest. They believe they owe their partners one hundred percent of their physical and mental attention. They believe fantasizing is disloyal. They think that their partners would feel rejected and excluded if they knew. In fact, sharing fantasies often increases a partner's excitement.

Partners should trust each other enough to share some fantasies. One way to test the water is to share a relatively safe fantasy and see what happens—a fantasy, for example, that involves only your partner and yourself, doing something together that you don't usually do. The sharing can develop from there.

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