Visualization can be a way of relaxing. Close your eyes while you're being pleasured and imagine you're somewhere else—on a Tahiti beach listening to the regular, smooth breaking of the waves, warming in the South Pacific sun.
In a suite in a Swiss ski lodge on a fur rug before a crackling fire. In Paris between satin sheets in an elegant hotel. Choose someplace that makes you feel good and makes you feel peaceful and go there.
Sexual fantasy involves a variety of visualization techniques. Fantasy can chase resistances away. You imagine a desirable sexual experience with your partner or with someone else, or you recall a pleasurable sexual experience you've had in the past. Some people fantasize more easily than others. Everyone can learn.
If you think you have difficulty fantasizing, try this exercise: start by closing your eyes and seeing yourself as you are right now, at this very moment, with your eyes closed, doing just what you are doing. Then experience your breathing. Notice your lungs filling and emptying and the sensation of your breath passing in and out of your nose.
Now, eyes closed, picture the objects in the room around you. Can you see them almost as if you had your eyes open? Picture yourself in the room among these objects. What are you wearing? Visualize your clothes.
Now change the scene. Visualize yourself on a soft, sandy beach, lying on powder-white sand in warm sun. Then picture someone with you on the beach.
Now switch to a sexual fantasy. Recall in detail a desirable sexual experience with your partner or with someone
else. Or imagine a sexual experience that you would like to have at some future time. These memories and experiences may appear to you as snapshots, as movies, as fragmented and impressionistic images. They may involve feelings or words more than visual images.
Keep the fantasy in mind and build on it by adding new details. You can change the setting or add new experiences to real experiences you remember.
Knowing what other people fantasize about can help you learn to fantasize. Everyone has sexual fantasies some of the time. Here are common fantasies, listed in the order of their popularity:
Fantasies have great value in sex. They're private, so they affect no one else and depend on no one else, and they actually change body chemistry. They stimulate arousal;
they can give you a head start on pleasure with your partner. The image comes before the reality and begins preparing the body for that reality.
If you find a fantasy arousing, continue that fantasy. If you find a fantasy neutral or negative, switch to another fantasy until you discover one that gives you pleasure.
Start with a fantasy that feels safe. Mentally write the scene. What time is it? Where are you? What does your partner (or partners) look like? What do both of you (or all of you) do? Begin dressed and enjoy undressing—even fantasies deserve time for foreplay! Don't rush your fantasy. Extending it will add pleasure and benefit arousal.
If you are fantasizing about sex with someone other than your regular partner, choose someone with whom you feel comfortable. If the fantasy works, keep it going. If it doesn't work, change it.
Use fantasy in sexual situations. First fantasize alone while you self-stimulate. Then add fantasy while you're with your partner making love.
Some people fear they will act out their fantasies. Fantasies are almost always safe. Very few people ever act out fantasies they believe to be taboo.
Some people fear that fantasizing is dishonest. They believe they owe their partners one hundred percent of their physical and mental attention. They believe fantasizing is disloyal. They think that their partners would feel rejected and excluded if they knew. In fact, sharing fantasies often increases a partner's excitement.
Partners should trust each other enough to share some fantasies. One way to test the water is to share a relatively safe fantasy and see what happens—a fantasy, for example, that involves only your partner and yourself, doing something together that you don't usually do. The sharing can develop from there.