Female Sexuality Facts
Facts, Theories, And Information on Male
Male Sexual Problems
[ External Sexual Anatomy Of Men ]
[ Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) ] [ Anorgasmia in women - can't orgasm ] [ Vaginismus - difficulty in receiving penetration during intercourse ] [ Overcoming sexual problems ] [ Difficulty in sexual relationships is a normal part of life ] [ Sex After 50 Years Of Age ] [ Sexual Issues Between Men and Women ] [ Dyspareunia ] [ Fertility problems - getting pregnant ] [ Sexual fantasy and visualization ] [ Premature and Delayed Ejaculation ]
Sex, the Hub of Marriage
How to Right the Wrongs You Grew Up With Around Sex
First, you must return in your mind to when you were a little girl.
What do you remember about the sex instruction that you received? As you
recall bits and pieces of it, try to redirect your thinking and your
attitudes about these events.
For instance, can you remember when your mother “caught” you playing
with yourself in the genital region? This must have happened at least
once—it is such a common occurrence. Do you remember how you were feeling
before she saw you? Didn’t it feel warm and comfortable? Didn’t you have a
lovely sensation while playing with yourself? Try to recapture the actual
feeling, try to feel that way now.
Psychologists tell us that it is perfectly normal to feel that way.
Further, they tell us that all—and I repeat all—children play with
themselves at one time or another. Can you remember back to that moment
when your mother caught you?
Did you feel a stunned surprise at her onslaught? Did she scold you?
Did she tell you that
you were a bad, dirty girl and God would punish you? Did she say or imply
that if you persisted in “abusing yourself” you might become insane?
Remember, our mothers were conditioned by their mothers to believe
these things, so your mother was not trying to be cruel to you, but was
full of genuine concern and fear for you. She believed what she said, and
she was trying to protect you for the future. But we now know that way was the wrong way.
How did you act after you had been detected and threatened in this way?
As you unwind the film of your memory, perhaps you will discover that you
did one of two things. One: You secretly kept right on playing with
yourself, because it was so pleasurable that it was stronger than your
fears, nevertheless taking great care not to be rediscovered.
But, as a result of the whole occurrence, you carried along with you
for the rest of your life the conviction that this was It bad, dirty and
wrong thing. Thus, your sense of guilt at haunted you to this very instant
and may be one of the main causes for the inhibition of your normal sex
The second way in which you might have reacted is somewhat different.
Instead of secretly persisting in this type of sexual play, you may have
erased the whole thing completely from your memory.
As of today, the whole episode may be so buried that you are one
of those women who quite honestly believe that they have never played with
their genitals in their lives and have never had any kind of feeling
there—much less a pleasurable one.
Now, wind back to the original incident and run through it
again. Even if you cannot remember it, try to imagine it because it or
something similar may well have happened. Let’s pretend your mother had
not been conditioned by her mother to have fear and to feel guilt
Pretend that when she “caught” you, she wisely did nothing, or perhaps
took you on her knee and cuddled you, thus providing what you really
needed, namely a feeling that she was kind and strong and not angry with
you but loved you very much. Can you now re-edit this moment to that
Can you recapture the lovely feeling of warmth and pleasure that you
experienced when you were playing with yourself? Then go on from there to
feel as if you were being held comfortably in your mother’s arms. This
could lead to the feeling that
what you were doing was as warm, lovely,
comfortable and right as the feeling of her arms about you.
Continue reviewing your film. At each moment when you remember feeling
fear and guilt about playing with yourself, try to erase this feeling and
to substitute instead that feeling of warmth and comfort, that it is all
right, that it is part of life, a good and normal part.
If you can do this, you are on the road to improvement. If you can
erase the feeling of guilt and connect the feeling of warmth, comfort and
rightness to that special part of your body, you will have taken an
important step towards a happier sex life.
The Feeling That Men Are Bad
Remember, if you can, another event that may have taken place in your
youth, because it has happened to so many of us, when a little boy was
“caught” lifting your skirt and touching you. Was there a terrible outcry?
A scene? Was your father called in? The boy’s parents?
Were there threats from all sides?
What do you remember most vividly? The fuss and loud, angry voices and
strange, disturbed look on the faces of your parents, or the simple,
innocent little act that caused it all? And afterward, were you filled
with a strong feeling that boys were dirty beasts, dangerous to be with?
Did this feeling persist? It does in many young women of a certain
Ask yourself still more questions. If the feeling about the badness
of boys persisted in you, did you have to make a very conscious exception
with regard to your own father, brother, and, later, with regard to your
On your honeymoon, or with your first boyfriend, did these inner feelings and memories rise up and
almost choke you so that you felt that this man, your husband, must also
be one of those “dirty beasts”? Did your feeling about sex make you
believe that here was something dangerous, unpleasant and bad all rolled
Now, go back to the place in your memory
where you and the little boy were playing before you were discovered.
How did you feel then? Wasn’t it pleasurable? Wasn’t it exciting? Weren’t
you somewhat aroused sexually?
If you could erase all the loudness and ugliness of the scene that
followed, and call upon your inner resources, common sense, hope and
strength, you might realize that the way you felt with the little boy was
actually a prelude for the way you as an adult woman should now feel about
Such an experience at the time can fill a child with a sense of
curiosity, discovery, excitement and anticipated pleasure, with a curtain
of guilt and shame goes down to block it all out.
These same feelings of curiosity and discovery, of excitement and
anticipated pleasure should be encouraged to reemerge and to flood you -
maybe even make you enjoy female
whenever you have sex. No matter if at
first they don’t carry it high each time—just the fact that you may have
extensive studies of various civilizations in all parts of the world. She
has found several where the very normal sex play of little children, as I
have discussed it above, is not punished.
Rather the children are so watched over and guided that girls grow up
with a genuine feeling that their sex organs are a source of warm,
personal comfort and pleasure. When they reach adulthood, these girls are
perfectly capable of giving free and normal expression to their love for
The Understanding Husband.
Now, what about that very important person—your boyfriend, or husband? You love him,
you want to be to him all that he wants you to be, and you are facing a
period of sexual relearning and development in which he is obviously the chief
Therefore, so he can play his part, it will be important for you to
take your husband into your confidence, to convey to him your feelings—of
failure, and frustration, and determination, and hope. It will increase
his understanding and ability to help you if you share with him, as they
emerge, your remembrances of the experiences that may have contributed to
And it will be absolutely essential to become able to tell him what you
are experiencing as you move forward in each next step, because only that
way will you become fully orgasmic.
Rediscover Your Body
No matter what the causes of your sexual unresponsiveness, there is one step
more for you to take. You must make the bridge between what your conscious
mind has forgotten but your body has not. Waiting to be reawakened are the
feelings that were so carefully put to sleep by your conditioning and
experience so many years ago. Waiting to be accomplished is the normal
discovery of your own body that was frustrated too early in your life.
You yourself must reawaken your body, rediscover its sexuality, reeducate it
sexually. You and your man must continue the exploration that was
interrupted years ago.
Communicate these discoveries to him and be patient with yourself. Take time
to arrive at the realization that not a single place on or within your
body is dirty to touch, nor can any gentle and loving sexual stimulation
ever be “bad” or cause harm. Hold fast to the exquisite instrument of the
act of love between your husband and yourself.
It will help greatly if you become aware of your husband’s penis and learn
that it, too, is to be loved, not feared nor found distasteful. The small amount of such fluid ejaculated at intercourse,
either by a man or a woman, is delightful. And tissues or a clean towel properly placed
after intercourse will absorb all secretions and keep you entirely
Interruption to Normal Sexual Response
Sometimes a woman has had a normal sexual response until something
throws her off. Pregnancy before marriage may do this, as may abortion,
sexual assault, being deserted, or a wide range of
serious emotional problems, such as deep-seated depression and anxiety.
It may be that when a woman has gone from normal sexual response to
little or no response, that she is in need of professional help.
Are There Really Anorgasmic Women?
No. When you have lost your sense of fear and guilt, when your
sexuality no longer seems unknown and unclean, when you have to reawaken
your inborn capacity to feel sexual, you and your man can begin the
long and happy experience of working out a normal sex life together.
It is tragic that small occurrences in our childhood and early
formative years can have so devastating an effect on our later lives. But
it is heartening to remember that we can really get over these ill effects
and become fully capable in the essential relationship of marriage.
Down deep within the overwhelming majority of unresponsive women is a
sexual need and capacity for fulfillment that awaits only liberation.
For whatever reason, you are
developing the ability to be
one of two people linked very closely together,
sexually. This has two faces. One you turn
towards the world. The other you turn inward towards yourself. The latter
face probes deeply into your inner sexual being when you are by yourself.